It Takes A Village

Characters: Kelly and Gus are having a drink in The Dutchtown Paradise Bar

Kelly: Living here in Dutchtown, in wonderful South St. Louis, I think that most people are basically kind and considerate. They're honest, you know. And when I am traveling around the neighborhood I get the feeling that most people, not all, but most, would not get involved in bad stuff. That's why I've come to think that most people are trying to emulate the goodness they see in a person like Santa Claus, if you know what I mean.

Gus: Well, I guess you haven't seen the news lately.

Kelly: Why? What?

Gus: It seems that Santa Claus is being investigated as a narco-terrorist.

Kelly: No! You mean the man whom I think of as the epitome of kindness and good moral values ...

Gus: That's right. His activities have been going on for some time.

Kelly: How do they know about this?

Gus: Apparently, Donner and Blitzen got mixed up with some other reindeer in criminal stuff in New York City -- organized crime stuff. Didn't you know that Donner and Blitzen are both Dutch names?

Kelly: Oh my. I don't know what to think! But don't YOU know...

Gus: (Interrupting) Well, fortunately, the administration is sending battle-sleighs up to the North Pole. They'll soon have reindeer detection systems in place.

Kelly: I hope the battle-sleighs will be decorated with Xmas lights. (Pause) But I just can't believe this is true.

Gus: Well, what do think is in all those gaily wrapped packages Santa and his crew -- those little dwarf criminals -- are delivering down here?

Kelly: You mean...?

Gus: Yep. But you know, some good could come of all this: for instance, we could make the North Pole the fifty-first state. And with a little gerrymandering, we might make the place a real American haven! Then, any new Santa would have to compete for votes in a real chopped up district!

Kelly: I don't know... you know, I like the expression: "It takes a village!"

Gus: Do you mean a kind of shopping village? With lots of free off-street parking? Black Friday sales?

Kelly: Well, no..

Gus: If we were to pretend that global warming were a real thing, we could say we have to go up there to the North Pole to clear up all the parasites that started coming in with all the heat! Remember how those parasites plagued the Roman soldiers at Hadrian’s Wall. I mean -- and please remember this -- being in touch with history helps you to make sense of stuff that doesn't matter today!

Kelly: I thought it was roundworm, whipworm, and microscopic protozoans called Giardia duodenalis. Stuff we all know about here in Dutchtown. Besides, Gus... I want to live in a world where there's hope!

Gus: Remember what that one Hungarian novelist said: "Hope is a mistake."

Kelly: I thought he said: "Cheesecake is a mistake." Because the words 'cheesecake' and 'MIS-stake' rhyme.

Gus: Well, I know that rhyming means a lot to the Hungarian people. But that comment was only after he developed cholesterol problems.

Kelly: Maybe it would be best if Santa Claus just moved his base of operations to the South Pole?

Gus: Now Kelly, we live in Dutchtown. In South St. Louis. It's kind of like the South Pole of St. Louis. Donner and Blitzen are Dutch.

Kelly: But I thought the name Dutchtown translated as "German town".

Gus: Well, don't you see: if Santa Claus were to change his base of operations to German Dutchtown he would throw everybody off! Nobody would suspect a thing! People wouldn't be saying, "Oh god.... the Dutch are moving in! There goes the neighborhood... or, I mean, there goes the village!"

Kelly: Do you think Santa might become a regular here in the The Dutchtown Paradise Bar?

Gus: Of course! I hear he's a Stag drinker.

Kelly: But what about all the fentanyl?

Gus: Well. maybe the government could require every American to invest in crypto-currency. And then, Santa Claus could switch to delivering crypto-currency to everybody at Xmas time!

Kelly: Then we could send our loved ones happy Crypto-Christmas cards. (Pause) You know what I'd love to do if I had people over for a Happy Crypto-Christmas celebration?

Gus: What, Kelly?

Kelly: (Smiles.) I'd like to challenge them all to put one of their big toes in their mouth.

Gus: What a happy Crypto-Christmas that would be! (Pauses. Smiles.) Yes, indeed: It takes a village!

End